RAHHH

Sometimes I wonder if I "grew up" too fast. Not in the sense that I became really promiscuous at a young age as many articles on Google attribute to "growing up too fast," but in the sense that I sometimes take life much too seriously. According to my mother I was a perfect child, except I never listened. I remember when I was dating Eric that we felt we had a similar bond: both of us were too mature for the people around us. I wonder if I was just acting mature, or if I really was/am but took it up a notch dating him. There are so many things that my peers laugh at, that they find hilarious that I think is either not funny or just in bad taste. I laugh at the same things late 20s/early 30s peers laugh at. I feel more connected to them because most of my peers seem like... children. Not too long ago my entire world changed and I feel that that event is part of the reason why I am the way I am now. I don't have parents that love each other; I'm glad to have a mother and father, but I don't appreciate the way they treat each other. Where can we find love in this world if not in our own parents? I see no love; I see animosity, disdain, even hate. I see myself in the future if I rush in and marry a man incompatible due to a fear of being alone. Religion can keep couples together, but I'm not particularly religious.

I'm unsure of what is the right path. I don't know if it's better to pretend that nothing is wrong with the world and that life is wonderful, perfect. I've tried it. It works wonders. Nothing gets me down. At the same time, it's utterly fake. I don't want to live my life pretending that everything is humpty dumpty when it's not. I don't feel that's very sensible at all. My previous method of being overly serious and frowning upon any tom foolery makes me feel like a total killjoy. I don't know which to sacrifice. Being in social groups is like a tango; with some people if you don't "have fun," you're not fun and with others if you don't act more maturely you're a "silly little girl." Which is it? Enhanced optimism or sensible pessimism?

But... I would not change a thing. I may be volatile in my actions and emotions, but my experiences are what make me. I'm glad I grew up this way. I'm wiser.