Growling...

Someone told me yesterday that I spend a lot of time complaining and worrying about the judgment I get from not having a job, rather than just going out and getting one.

One, I am not the type of person who can get any job and achieve satisfaction. Very few people understand this, and while it seems that I am being "picky" and being "spoiled" because I grew up in a nice city, I'm not. I cannot pretend that I like a job I hate, I cannot do my best if the only reason I have that job is to make money. Some of you can do that; I can't. A job is not a just job; it's something we spend most of our lives doing. If we're not happy with that, when can we learn to be happy? Is happiness such a luxury that wanting to strive for a job that gives you any measure of happiness means you are being picky and spoiled?

Two, I worked all throughout college. Did you? I paid for my car, myself. Did you? Every summer, I worked. During the school year, I worked. Even in China, I worked. This dry spell is the first time since high school where I haven't picked up a 2-week corporate paycheck. So all of you joking condescendingly about my getting menial task positions to pay people I don't owe any money to (I know exactly to whom I am indebted) and using my looks to snag someone to pay for my purported luxurious rich girl lifestyle, shut the fuck up.

Three, I grew up in a family where I was the "smart one." I was the one everyone thought would be a doctor or a lawyer, or at least someone who would amount to something awesome. Because I was so brainy. A ghost of that expectation is still there, and every time I hear from a relative, it's to inquire as to whether or not I'm still thinking about medical school. My grandpa is worried I won't ever live up to my full potential. Problem is, I'm not, and it's not because I can't get there, it's because I don't want that life. How the hell do you tell everyone that? How do you tell your grandpa that? Even indicating that you're looking at a different field has them lecturing you on what the right path is, what the better path is. This pressure goes in conjunction with my first contention. And again, only a handful of people really understand me.

Me, the person, not the one exhibited to the world.
Brash, outspoken, condescending, judgmental?
Can you see two sides of yourself in the mirror?
Do you dare look deeper to see if the face you display to the world is just a mask?