Mind Blown

I had my mind addled by two elders today. I didn't see it coming, but truthfully, I had doubts myself but  wanted to keep plugging on, covering my ears.

I was having a conversation with someone who asked me what I was doing right now, and I was honest, waiting to hear back from jobs, not getting called back, etc. He asked me what field I wanted to go into, and I told him my short-term goal (very few people know my long-term goal). He asked me what my selling point was. I was a bit... stunned. Firstly, because we rarely ever talk to each other, it's more of a "Oh hi, how are you?!" and not "So, tell me more about your goals in life and how you intend to accomplish them, and what makes you a good person for this field?" I couldn't really give him a good, firm answer, and I told him that I wasn't really sure what my selling point was. Sure, I'm organized, I'm passionate, I have knowledge, but chances are, everyone who is trying to get into my field is the same way. How am I different? What is my greatest asset? I didn't know. Luckily, I didn't cry; he presented it in a way that made me think rather than made me feel ashamed.

I was about ready to leave the practice room when the director came up to me and started taking to me about music. I thought he didn't really like me because of my attitude... But he came right up to me and started talking about my potential and what I needed to do. I told him that I had a vague idea but I haven't pinpointed what exactly. The problem is, I need to take classes, unless I can get into a school where I can test out of classes. There are so many banes to having not studied the field you intend to go into, and now that I've been out for a while I can't exactly go back and do a second bachelor's. But he did reaffirm that I'm growing, that little hints are popping out, that I have potential but I need to wait, and that I need. to. be patient.

I can't be patient. I can't because I need to support myself somehow, but if I'm working full-time I won't have that much time to learn. If I got an extra job, I could work things out, but it would be at the cost of living arrangements. Do I want to go back and essentially live like a college student again? Do I want to feel the judgement of family members who might not necessarily understand why I'm doing what I'm doing? Would my parents be satisfied with the idea that I still don't have a full-time, salaried job? Oh scratch that, they definitely wouldn't be.

In any case, I feel so blessed right now. I feel blessed because I can feel myself learning, finally learning, not just applying in vain and doing nothing. I feel like I'm doing something, and that I'm growing, even a little bit. It's just... in the end, I really am hoping that slow and steady does win the race/get there.